To Know and Be Known, A Joy of Marriage

IMG_0976
Taking Jana out for lunch after she passed her Certified Pharmacy Tech test. I will always be so proud of her.

Jana, I miss you.

For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.

Gen 2:24

Let no man separate. To have and to hold from this day forward. For better or for worse. Till death do us part…

I look for you in the morning, when I wake up. The room is quiet. No gentle breathing next to me, or the soft glow of your phone as you sift through various apps. You’re not there to plan the day with, discuss upcoming challenges, or hash out current events. No deep spiritual discussions occur in the room anymore, except for my continuous plea to God for answers…that do not seem to materialize. Your things, the stuff I have not packed into bins yet, are still in the room. Some items I want to leave just as you placed them, maybe with the illogical hope that you will come to retrieve what you left. No…you’re not coming back. I am slowly, ever so slowly, realizing this.

Reminders. They are everywhere. Reminders of a love lost. Reminders of your interests, your joys, your passions. I know you. I joked so many times, I know you better than you know you! Now, I know nothing. I am swirling, spinning like a bird with one functioning wing. The one has become less than one. Just a part of me left. And it isn’t the best part, you are gone.

I function. I am up, walking, talking, and carrying out the necessities of the day. I will not curl up in my bed and watch videos of you all day, even though I may want to. I will look at your picture, all day long, but only in short segments because if I linger a beat too long, I will cry. I can talk business, do the shopping, and even smile. This is not me. Not now. My very thin exterior is my front and my protection against my painful emotions that are churning just under the surface. You know me. You would see through my thinly veiled shell. You would easily dissect my behavior and get to what’s wrong. There is a warmth and security in being known so intimately by someone else. We were open to each other, willing to love and be loved. You hold my heart and my secrets…but, now the room is empty and quiet.

Jana, I miss you terribly…

I want somebody to share, share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts, know my intimate details
Someone who’ll stand by my side and give me support
And in return, she’ll get my support
She will listen to me when I want to speak
About the world we live in and life in general
Though my views may be wrong, they may even be perverted
She’ll hear me out and won’t easily be converted
To my way of thinking, in fact, she’ll often disagree
But at the end of it all, she will understand me

“Somebody” – Depeche Mode

Author: kcradioman

I am the Director of Twin Oaks Family Care in Excelsior Springs, Mo. I hold a Master of Arts in counseling from Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary and, currently, am working on the Doctor of Ministry in Care and Counseling at MBTS. My wife and I were married in 1998 and we had 2 daughters. On July 26th, 2019, my lovely wife, Jana, was diagnosed with Leukemia and began treatment. On Aug 7th, 2019, she died of complications from the chemo treatment. God prepared us and sustains us. My way of grieving includes being open and transparent about my feelings. My hope is to provide a voice of support for others experiencing grief.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s