No Escape

meloncoly

How does this state of emotions envelop me so tightly? I feel trapped and I am only able to do what grief will allow me. It has taken over every part of my life – I can’t escape it.

My entire body is feeling my sorrow. I have carried a pit in my stomach for over 4 weeks now. A few days ago, I thought it was going away, but no… it has come back to remind me, constantly, of my emotional pain. Anxiety has also taken up residence. Energy for anything unrelated is gone. All resources seem to get expended on my mournful thoughts, processing circumstances, and my incessant chipping away at the block of granite…

Why are the circumstance so hard to realize? Jana has died. Those three words are what my every thought centers around. Any other stimulus to my brain is re-routed to her. She meant everything to me, and now I am obsessed with her…and me. I am having trouble focusing on anybody else, too…I don’t like that.

She is gone. I just refuse to fully agree with this. Call it denial, or some form of it, and I would not argue with you. Yes, I am denying the facts. Her death is completely illogical and outside of what we thought or planned. Believe me…I hear the problem in my thinking. We all see it. Time does not go backwards. Nothing gets re-wound and played again. I couldn’t have done anything anyway.

So…I am trapped. I cannot escape my intese longing for my wife to be here with me and… I cannot escape the fact that she is gone from this earth. Caught somewhere in-between. My mind, body, and spiritual soul are caught in limbo. I can’t move on, but I can’t stay put.

Crying does no good. Getting angry doesn’t help. Isolation makes it worse. Talk to me… Mention her name. Make me cry. It’s ok. Tell me that you liked her, too. Shed a tear, if you feel the need. I appreciate all you have to offer. Maybe what you say makes sense, maybe it doesn’t…that’s fine. You’re helping me. I think of her night and day. You will not hurt me. I am already hurt…broken. I am broken.

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18

Author: kcradioman

I am the Director of Twin Oaks Family Care in Excelsior Springs, Mo. I hold a Master of Arts in counseling from Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary and, currently, am working on the Doctor of Ministry in Care and Counseling at MBTS. My wife and I were married in 1998 and we had 2 daughters. On July 26th, 2019, my lovely wife, Jana, was diagnosed with Leukemia and began treatment. On Aug 7th, 2019, she died of complications from the chemo treatment. God prepared us and sustains us. My way of grieving includes being open and transparent about my feelings. My hope is to provide a voice of support for others experiencing grief.

2 thoughts

  1. When Death entered our home, we no longer had a home. It was just a house. A home is family and our family was gone. Nothing is worse than feeling hopeless. Hopeless is Hell. Continue to claw yourself out. Many people will come to help you. If you think about the future it will drive you crazy. Take one day at a time. My heart goes out to you. Much love……..

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