New things. God is apparently doing new things. Previous things must change, in some regard, for Him to begin something new…
“Look, I am about to do something new; even now it is coming. Do you not see it? Indeed, I will make a way in the wilderness, rivers in the desert.” Isaiah 43:19
I guess the question on my mind is, “why did it have to change in the first place?” But, the more I hold onto that question, the less I will see of where He wants to go. This would be the definition of stuck. Stuck in grief. Unable to move forward because the past is too appealing. Even if the past is no more…
I can’t keep my eyes on the past. It hurts to begin turning my gaze forward, but that is where God is leading and I am following. Turning from the past is not forgetting or hiding from realities. I can go forward, holding on to lovely thoughts and memories but still strive toward what I am being called to.
Jana and I regularly confessed sinful actions and thoughts to one another. We would talk things out, pray, forgive, and move forward. It was always the intention to, and most of the time we were successful, not keep the record of wrongs. It was in the past. The past is not going to offer anything new. I can work through past events in a new way, going forward.
Now, the future is gently calling me. New opportunities and ministries exist out there somewhere and they are not forcing me to pay attention to them, but they are making theirselves known. My imagined grip on the past is loosening, and my head is beginning to turn to what will be rather than what was. This hurts tremendously. My heart aches to look back forever and make every feeble attempt at holding on.
My memories need to make me smile and feel warm. I cannot fashion my thoughts into some sort of pseudo-Jana that does not exist. This thinking is completely under my control. I choose how to approach the wonderful life we lived together. I can cling, without hope as if I will never see her again, to every thought of her, or I can give thanks for each memory and find joy in what God was gracious enough to give. The pain of loss still exists, but the anxiety of trying to hold on to something that will never be the same is alleviated.
Looking at what is behind me, in the past, will not keep her there. She is gone from this earth. I must look, and move, forward – carrying her memory with me. This is my current work on the granite block of grief. After 4 weeks, I feel that I am getting more aquainted with my little chipping tools and gaining understanding on how to utilize them with a small amount of efficiency.