Ultimately, somebody must be responsible for the things that happen on this planet. And, if not responsible, capable of laying out the course desired for all things. So, it’s not unnatural to look to God for answers. At times I am simply looking at Him as if I have been betrayed by a good friend. Maybe we could have talked this out, or come to some sort of agreement? But, He just acted (or chose not to act), and my sweet Jana has moved on to her heavenly home.
I cannot help but wonder if He really cares? To be clear, this is one thought of a thousand every 10 minutes, so I do not necessarily camp here… But, the question crops up, does God care? Yet another crisis of belief. Maybe it resides in how I see God, or how He has seemed to approach me in the past. I have never suffered like this, so maybe the question comes from the fact that I am experiencing something new in His creation…death.
“You yourself have recorded my sorrows. Put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book? Then my enemies will retreat on the day when I call. This I know: God is for me.” Psalm 56:8-9
My tears seem to be without end. I have started drinking more Gatorade just to keep hydrated. I probably cry (actually shed a tear-type cry) 3-6 times a day. I am learning to let it go and not worry about what I look like to others or what people may think. Especially when I am alone, each tear feels significant to me. Of all times, this is when I sense God’s presence the most…when I cry in the quiet. I can feel the words of David’s psalm as God captures these tears, records my sorrows, and let’s me know that He is most definitely for me.
It is a matter of remembering. God remembers these troubles of ours. He is not oblivious to our pain and sorrow. One day, it is our tears that He will wipe away as we enjoy Him forever. But, for now, we cry. We suffer. We groan in this earthly clothing…
Yes, God cares. He loves. Everything going my way is not indicative of God loving me. Everything will not go my way. My understanding of God’s love is based on His word to me in scripture. My feelings will be all over the place, but my faith tells me that He cares and we are together.