Keeping my mind occupied with activities almost helps dull my pain. As I meet new people or go to places that I haven’t been before I engage my mind with the different stimulus. Although, as unique as these experiences are to me I am constantly thinking of Jana. I wonder what Jana would think about this person I just met, or if I should even talk about Jana to this new acquaintance. The feeling of being anxious to talk to Jana about my experiences is present, and then I remember that I cannot.
We enjoyed and did life together. Our minds seemed almost strangely linked. Our view of the world was very similar. I guess this is part of what it means to have found your “soul-mate.” She was mine, there is no doubt. What a wonderful experience to have somebody that you can hold so close, and the closer you pull them in – the more comfortable it is to have them there.
The thought of her death being “fair” enters my mind on occasion, especially the first few weeks. It doesn’t seem fair. Today is the 18th anniversary of 9/11. From those widow and widowers perspective, I can see a much better case for “not fair.” The anger a person feels toward somebody who actually took their loved one’s life must be a powerful emotion. There are a couple of medical personnel that I can feel that way about, even though they were in no way responsible for Jana’s death. I just want to blame somebody so I can be upset with them.
“From one man he has made every nationality to live over the whole earth and has determined their appointed times and the boundaries of where they live. He did this so that they might seek God, and perhaps they might reach out and find him, though he is not far from each one of us.” Acts 17:26-27
There are workings in this world far greater than what my mind can comprehend. I am reactionary. What will be my response to the highs and lows of life? How will I frame my experiences? From the beginning of this time of grief, while sitting alone in an ICU waiting room early in the morning after 2 code blues were called on my wife, I knew my relationship with God was going to be different. I knew things were not going to be the same.
As I reflect on the days and, especially, the day Jana died I am coming to realize the Lord’s presence in those moments of despair more clearly. I am recognizing, cognitively, His care and comfort at specific moments. He was not far from me, not far at all.
God has a plan. Sometimes this can sound trite or like a platitude. But, it’s true. He does have control and He is sovereign. His glory is what we’re all here for. My life, my responses, our marriage, our family…all these things existed for one purpose: bring Him glory! May I be found seeking God. Reaching out, finding Him. In all situations and trials…stretching my arm out, trusting Him.