God is Not Far From Any of Us

9/11 Memorial, from our trip to NYC a couple of years ago.

Keeping my mind occupied with activities almost helps dull my pain. As I meet new people or go to places that I haven’t been before I engage my mind with the different stimulus. Although, as unique as these experiences are to me I am constantly thinking of Jana. I wonder what Jana would think about this person I just met, or if I should even talk about Jana to this new acquaintance. The feeling of being anxious to talk to Jana about my experiences is present, and then I remember that I cannot.

We enjoyed and did life together. Our minds seemed almost strangely linked. Our view of the world was very similar. I guess this is part of what it means to have found your “soul-mate.” She was mine, there is no doubt. What a wonderful experience to have somebody that you can hold so close, and the closer you pull them in – the more comfortable it is to have them there.

The thought of her death being “fair” enters my mind on occasion, especially the first few weeks. It doesn’t seem fair. Today is the 18th anniversary of 9/11. From those widow and widowers perspective, I can see a much better case for “not fair.” The anger a person feels toward somebody who actually took their loved one’s life must be a powerful emotion. There are a couple of medical personnel that I can feel that way about, even though they were in no way responsible for Jana’s death. I just want to blame somebody so I can be upset with them.

“From one man he has made every nationality to live over the whole earth and has determined their appointed times and the boundaries of where they live. He did this so that they might seek God, and perhaps they might reach out and find him, though he is not far from each one of us.” Acts 17:26-27

There are workings in this world far greater than what my mind can comprehend. I am reactionary. What will be my response to the highs and lows of life? How will I frame my experiences? From the beginning of this time of grief, while sitting alone in an ICU waiting room early in the morning after 2 code blues were called on my wife, I knew my relationship with God was going to be different. I knew things were not going to be the same.

As I reflect on the days and, especially, the day Jana died I am coming to realize the Lord’s presence in those moments of despair more clearly. I am recognizing, cognitively, His care and comfort at specific moments. He was not far from me, not far at all.

God has a plan. Sometimes this can sound trite or like a platitude. But, it’s true. He does have control and He is sovereign. His glory is what we’re all here for. My life, my responses, our marriage, our family…all these things existed for one purpose: bring Him glory! May I be found seeking God. Reaching out, finding Him. In all situations and trials…stretching my arm out, trusting Him.

4 Comments Add yours

  1. Robin Bellamy says:

    There is a plan, it’s just hard to be ok with it. I don’t think anyone can expect us to be ok with loss. We know they are ok, but the void is still there for us. I often wonder about if my
    Dad would have liked something or what he would have said. Being occupied is always helpful. It still hits sideways from time to time but its’ a duller hit. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dana Ward says:

    I’m very sorry for the loss of your wife. I unfortunately can relate to your situation. My husband Jason was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic Adenocarcinoma on February 28, 2019. At age 39, he went to be with the Lord on June 26, 2019. We were married for 15 years and have 2 little girls. Everyday without him is painful. If I didn’t know Jesus, and know that Jason is with Him now, I don’t know how I would function each day. My heart is broken. My friend Penny shared your story with me. Hopefully reading your experiences and thoughts will help me as I find my way through this grief. Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. kcradioman says:

      Thank you for sharing your experience. I wish death were not a part of this world. Please share any thoughts you have. Everything seems to help in some way, you know? We just keep processing…


      1. kcradioman says:

        Also, I am praying for you. You’re struggles are overwhelming at times, I am sure. I just saw a father with two little children, and it struck me the kind of difficulties you face. Are you involved with grief groups at all?


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