How about anger? Anger hangs just under the surface. It is ready to leap out and bite, but for the most part, I don’t have the energy to really act on it. Occasionally, if I am letting my words fly you’ll hear my misplaced frustration. I’ll attack unwary, unknowing individuals for no reason…even behind their back. I will lash out with energy fueled by my anger at losing Jana.
We all act this way from time to time. I have in the past, at least. Maybe it’s stress or running from conviction of the Holy Spirit. Maybe somebody has actually wronged you and you’re dealing with anger. We aren’t always very reasonable when we respond angrily. – I am angry over losing Jana, and that alone is the source of my anger.
This anger is not readily apparent. You may not even know that I am experiencing it. My “face” is on, I won’t let you know. I simply can’t go around acting on all my emotions…somebody would soon suggest I be locked up. Much of my anger is in the form of a statement that floats through my thought process: “who cares?” The one that cared what I did is not here…the one that I conformed my wishes to, the one that I wanted to please, the one that knew what was best for me, the one I needed…
So, now…who cares? And, the converse becomes true: “I don’t give a…hoot!” I don’t even care. Nobody else does, and you know what? Neither do I! Here is my anger response. It’s mostly internal, until you see me making poor decisions. My sister reminded me of the fact that the devil is waiting for me…anxiously awaiting my angry decisions.
Be sober-minded, be alert. Your adversary the devil is prowling around like a roaring lion, looking for anyone he can devour. 1 Peter 5:8
The devil is more than happy that I may act on my anger. He is waiting…watching. The wrong situation appears + I have an “I don’t care” attitude = I’m in trouble.
An angry person stirs up conflict, and a hot-tempered one increases rebellion. Proverbs 29:22
My anger at Jana’s death certainly has me in a rebellious frame of mind. I want to fight all that has happened to me. I want to get mad. I want to take this intense frustration out on something or someone. I have never been the type to get into physical altercations…
Rebellion. Conflict. I really don’t want these things in my life. My anger could stir up a bit of trouble, that’s easy to see. But, I don’t want any more troubles. I need to seek calmness and self-control…grace to actually live such fruits of the Spirit. His work within me, I need grace.
I could very easily turn this anger upon myself and pick up destructive habits or make decisions I may regret. Oh, Lord, please guard my heart! Please give me wisdom! I cannot handle compounding my pain in this time due to my own ignorance. Please protect those around me who may unwittingly spring the trap of my temper. I pray for your grace in dealing with this particular emotion.
I am angry about losing Jana. But, it is my work to be sober-minded and alert to the ways I may consider acting on this anger. This is energy and emotion that I must give over to the Lord and let Him carry my burden. The anger will subside as I continue to trust in the works of God.