My Smudge of a Life

At times my life feels like a blur. It’s as if I parachuted into this spot and I am looking around at things I don’t understand. My years are like a dream and I can’t focus on any one particular time of life, or follow the chain of events that got me to where I am today. This feeling is one of a hundred different feelings and emotions that I experience each day.

Maybe it’s like a smudge. My life was written out in chalk and the details were so clear. Fine lines and detailed edges made the picture understandable. Then, August 7th, a large thumb just turned on the entire picture and created nothing but general shapes and a large smudge. That’s my understanding of life right now.

I am straining my eyes, trying to see into the smudge, trying to remember what those carefully drawn lines looked like…It was so long ago, if feels, that any kind of clarity existed in my mind. Scripture is clear, but His truth seems to stand next to my experience. Like my smudged life doesn’t apply somehow… He is clear, He is in focus and defined through His word, but my life is not.

Before the hospital stay, Jana worked at a pharmacy next door to my office. It was the perfect set up. We rode in together, shared lunch in our breakroom, then at the end of the day she would come back to our office where I was waiting to drive us home. That seems so long ago. Back when I understood, or thought I understood, where God was leading us.

Lately, I have felt very sad at the end of the day. I get tearful, I pace up and down the hall of my office space, and everything of Jana’s that is still there stands out and feels like a knife turning in my heart. I finally realized…I was waiting for her. Waiting at the end of the day to take her home. But, my heart knew the truth, it knew she wasn’t going to come over from the pharmacy. My heart knew she wasn’t coming back, anymore, to join me on the drive home. My mind finally caught up to the source of my intense afternoon heart ache. So, I tearfully get into my empty vehicle, and drive myself home…alone.

What happened to all I thought I knew? It seemed that God was putting so many things in order for us. We were making decisions that we believed honored Him and we sensed Him blessing those decisions. Things were actually falling into place. God was working, He was blessing…but He was preparing us for something very different.

Sometimes, I can see new lines forming in the smudge of my life. Every so often, when I look close, details – clear details – are appearing. From my perspective, all I can see sometimes is the smudge. But, God has a very clear drawing of the plan He has for me. Those details are there and slowly they will continue to materialize before my sight. The smudge cloud will eventually lift, I trust, and a new meaningful picture will emerge.

Author: kcradioman

I am the Director of Twin Oaks Family Care in Excelsior Springs, Mo. I hold a Master of Arts in counseling from Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary and, currently, am working on the Doctor of Ministry in Care and Counseling at MBTS. My wife and I were married in 1998 and we had 2 daughters. On July 26th, 2019, my lovely wife, Jana, was diagnosed with Leukemia and began treatment. On Aug 7th, 2019, she died of complications from the chemo treatment. God prepared us and sustains us. My way of grieving includes being open and transparent about my feelings. My hope is to provide a voice of support for others experiencing grief.

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