Sometimes my own counter-productive thoughts get me down. This is one of those times. I am not in a good frame of mind. These times come and go, and I assume (at least I have read) that it comes with the territory, but I feel low.
I was reading about situational problems and self-imposed problems. My situational problem is the loss of Jana. This is my overwhelming problem. Dealing with grief and sorrow, working through my thoughts and sadness to allow grief to do it’s work and reach the other side of it. Self-imposed problems are when my mind thinks along tracks that aren’t healthy and I give in to it. Or, if my behavior were to go in ways that brought on more problems instead of remaining focused on my grief work.
Both sets of problems are inevitable. I will make poor decisions in thought and deed. I prefer not to, and life is better when I don’t, but it happens. I woke up at 3am and couldn’t get back to sleep. Then…the wheels start to turn. I cover a lot of ground mentally when the “wheels turn.” I am left with crumby feelings that compound my loneliness and hopelessness.
Yes, I am not without hope. And, yes I am not alone. The trouble is, that is how I feel! I can’t escape it. Many times, I can seek the Lord and find solace in Him, His word, and His comfort. Other times, life sucks and there is no comforting that seems to help. I will just sit and allow life to suck for awhile.
There is not a “life verse” that takes away this pain. There are not special prayers that make me feel better. This is a holistic experience. My entire being is wrapped up in my sorrow, and it’s my entire being that must understand, on different levels, the hope found in Christ. I want that closeness to God, but at the same time I am lost in my problem.
It’s like swimming upstream. The current is pulling me and driving me downstream, and I am trying to work against it. Some days I have the energy to make some headway, see new sites, and successfully navigate that opposing current. Other days, its pushing me back and tossing me against the rocks. I really want to have a good day, but, right now, life sucks.