Waves of Pain

What makes Sundays so tough? Actually, the grief doesn’t seem to discriminate too much. Everyday can be tough. The struggle comes in waves. For a day or two, I will just feel numb, depressed, and lack energy. Then, for no apparent reason, everything will escalate. I will cry often, my heart hurts, and memories will send me reeling into a deeper depressed state.

Nothing seems to help. I had a good morning of worship and bible study, and afterwards I went to our friend’s house to watch the Chiefs win. On paper it seemed like a great day. So, why am I so low? Like…extra low. It makes me not care or have any motivation for anything except feeling sad.

I sit in my chair, and feel the ball of anxiety begin to grow in my gut. Memories are cued from just about anything. Just a few minutes ago, I was thinking about how Jana and I would play Minecraft together and build our homes close to each other so we could visit. I haven’t played since she went into the hospital, and it made me cry just to think of her empty virtual world.

Her fingerprints are on everything. I can’t hide from things that remind me of her. I don’t think I would want to hide. Her things are so important to me…it’s all I have left. Shirts and shoes she once filled and did things in, now sit idle…they have no owner. Her jewelry sits in a box it does not adorn her neck and ears, her purse has receipts from July…and nothing after. Her phone sits on the dresser. No games are played, no messages are responded to, no cute pictures are taken or sent. She isn’t here to operate it any longer.

I couldn’t sleep last night. I smelled like smoke from cooking all day. Jana used to nuzzle my neck and tell me how good I smelled after standing in the hickory smoke. She was my best friend and lover…

What do I do now? Which direction do I go? I can’t hold on forever…I can’t even hold on. There is nothing to hold on to, not tangibly. I am coming to the place where I have to allow her to go. It sounds weird, but I haven’t quite done that, yet. Of course, this is all just in my mind. She actually is gone, she is with the Lord, I am now alone, and I am not fully in agreement with these facts…

So, in the meantime, I will experience my waves of pain. A couple of days here, a couple of days there. Other days, I may rise to just “blah”, but that’s better than the low points. I keep scanning the horizon looking for those bright spots of hope…they’re out there, I see them every so often. The height of my love for Jana seems to be matching the depth of my pain in her death.

Author: kcradioman

I am the Director of Twin Oaks Family Care in Excelsior Springs, Mo. I hold a Master of Arts in counseling from Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary and, currently, am working on the Doctor of Ministry in Care and Counseling at MBTS. My wife and I were married in 1998 and we had 2 daughters. On July 26th, 2019, my lovely wife, Jana, was diagnosed with Leukemia and began treatment. On Aug 7th, 2019, she died of complications from the chemo treatment. God prepared us and sustains us. My way of grieving includes being open and transparent about my feelings. My hope is to provide a voice of support for others experiencing grief.

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