Dreaming of You

The Westin in Cancun where we stayed.

In 1998, Jana and I went to Cancun for our honeymoon. We stayed in a nice hotel on the beach and enjoyed visiting Mayan ruins, swimming, and the food. One night the movie “Selena” was on cable and we watched that together. From then on I always associated the music or the movie, itself, with our honeymoon and great memories.

Last night we watched “Dancing With the Stars”, and Selena’s song “Dreaming of You” was used for one of the dances. It caught me out of nowhere. Immediately I welled up and was in complete tears by the end of the dance. It’s amazing how a song can take you to a place and time and bring back memories that are etched in the mind…

‘Cause I’m dreaming of you tonight
‘Til tomorrow, I’ll be holding you tight
And there’s nowhere in the world I’d rather be
Than here in my room dreaming about you and me

Dreaming of You, Selena

I couldn’t sleep. Tossing and turning, thinking about the day, Jana, our honeymoon and other memories… And, every so often, singing the chorus to this song. Why do I torture myself?

Yesterday, I cleaned the kitchen. This may not sound like a big deal, but we had not even unpacked the totes and boxes from when we moved July 11th…it’s October 1. I dreaded going through all of our dishes, sorting the stuff we used (and didn’t use). Jana packed much of those boxes. Now I am going through stuff we have had for years, and I am sorting, crying, and talking to Jana as if she can hear me.

For some reason, she put a bag with her jewelry in one of the totes. It had rings and earrings, but, there was one ring, a match to the one I wear, that we got at Silver Dollar City. Inscribed on it is, “Chris (heart) Jana – 1998.” Why did this have to end?

I’m taking steps, even though the pain comes. I must get back into life, albeit slowly. Cleaning the house is huge. I have kept up with the outside, but now the inside needs attention. Often the house is a reference to the life. I have put on the happy face (the outside is nice), but inside things are a wreck. Even so, people have come into the house and witnessed our mess…just as I have tried to be open about the mess in my heart and mind.

What is important to me? Living a life of righteousness within the context of grief. I want to bring glory to God, while suffering. Give Him praise. I want to delight in God, make Him my portion, find contentment in Him. I miss Jana, I miss her terribly, but my life is in Christ. Her life is in Christ.

Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you your heart’s desires.

Psalm 37:4

Author: kcradioman

I am the Director of Twin Oaks Family Care in Excelsior Springs, Mo. I hold a Master of Arts in counseling from Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary and, currently, am working on the Doctor of Ministry in Care and Counseling at MBTS. My wife and I were married in 1998 and we had 2 daughters. On July 26th, 2019, my lovely wife, Jana, was diagnosed with Leukemia and began treatment. On Aug 7th, 2019, she died of complications from the chemo treatment. God prepared us and sustains us. My way of grieving includes being open and transparent about my feelings. My hope is to provide a voice of support for others experiencing grief.

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