Producing Hope

We have also obtained access through him by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also rejoice in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope. This hope will not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

Romans 5:2-5

A date on the calendar. An indiscriminate day. A day that held so much emotional importance, but from the outside behaved as any other day. It was an anniversary, a two month anniversary.

I felt angry, sad, tearful, bitter, faithless, faithful, and alone…just to name a few. Allyson and I packed the day full of activities, partially in effort to kill time waiting to pick Sarah up at the airport at midnight, and partially to keep our minds busy. It didn’t work.

At one point we were in the parking lot at Target, and I just had to cry. Allyson politely waited for me. Then I sent her on into the store while I just looked at photos and broke down. All day I was on the verge of tears. And, all day I felt angry…even at God.

Why did He have to reach down and destroy my life? I wouldn’t wish it on any other, but why couldn’t He have just let us be?

Sometimes, I can lean into the theology, sometimes various scriptures are comforting…but, when I rest in His love I find peace. There is an island in this churning sea of grief. I am battling the waves quite a bit, and on occasion I find that patch of land and rest. It’s not always easy for me to see the oasis through the water spray and dark rain clouds.

Afflictions – Endurance – Character – Hope. I can see this working out, or at least how it could work out. I am not yet to “rejoicing” in the affliction, but I can see a path to holiness and to Him that would certainly make me rejoice. I have joy at being His, and in that I do rejoice.

Month three. Here we go. I am looking forward to it. I have come so far, and have a long ways to go, but I am progressing. God is teaching. My pain is turning to warmth of memory. My heart is mending. My love is taking her place in my mind. A good place, a secure place. Her memory is taking a place that allows me to be who God intends me to be, and to share this hope that is within me.

“Jana’s Highway”, out in the middle of Ray County somewhere.

Author: kcradioman

I am the Director of Twin Oaks Family Care in Excelsior Springs, Mo. I hold a Master of Arts in counseling from Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary and, currently, am working on the Doctor of Ministry in Care and Counseling at MBTS. My wife and I were married in 1998 and we had 2 daughters. On July 26th, 2019, my lovely wife, Jana, was diagnosed with Leukemia and began treatment. On Aug 7th, 2019, she died of complications from the chemo treatment. God prepared us and sustains us. My way of grieving includes being open and transparent about my feelings. My hope is to provide a voice of support for others experiencing grief.

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