They’re Coming… the HOLIDAYS!

October 2017 at Watkin’s Mill.

Each day there are a host of activities and events that remind me of Jana’s absence. Daily routines call her name for participation, but she doesn’t hear. The simple things are difficult. She’s not here to do her part. Some of the bigger events are almost unbearable without her input.

She’s not there to suggest dinner plans, help get the house in order, place the Christmas tree (which will probably go up sooner than usual) or visit with after work. I want to talk to her about some of the things we’re doing…but, she’s not available.

Homecoming was last week. Jana had helped the girls get ready and plan their evening. She took pictures and did their hair. She shopped with them for dresses, shoes, and whatever else needed. I am a poor substitute for Jana’s assistance. A mother helping her daughter. There is no replacement for this. Although, I am so grateful for those who offer their support.

I miss our date nights. Spending time with the one I love, doing nothing in particular, just being together. I am forcing myself to go out, do things, avoid reclusiveness…

While sitting in McAlisters, having a sandwich before my grief share group meeting, I looked over at the booth Jana, the kids, and I sat at in the spring. The ghosts of my memory sit there and laugh at the silly things we laughed at. We just had ordinary worries and cares…nothing like the weight I carry today. Oh, to go back…

The holidays are coming. I felt the fall chill today, saw all the cars out…people on their way wherever. Soon, they will be shopping and then heading back to their warm homes to enjoy their families. It’s easy to feel a twinge of jealousy and bitterness when I think about our missing family member.

The holiday’s should be warm and joyous, but this is what makes the memories so heartbreaking when everyone is not there. We’ve had many happy holidays over the years. I want to get through these next few months

Author: kcradioman

I am the Director of Twin Oaks Family Care in Excelsior Springs, Mo. I hold a Master of Arts in counseling from Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary and, currently, am working on the Doctor of Ministry in Care and Counseling at MBTS. My wife and I were married in 1998 and we had 2 daughters. On July 26th, 2019, my lovely wife, Jana, was diagnosed with Leukemia and began treatment. On Aug 7th, 2019, she died of complications from the chemo treatment. God prepared us and sustains us. My way of grieving includes being open and transparent about my feelings. My hope is to provide a voice of support for others experiencing grief.

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