I don’t have it today. I’m skipping across the bottom in slow motion. I can’t reach a point of catharsis and I can’t experience any freedom from the depressed state. It could be due to being sick. I woke up with stomach pains and a fever. I haven’t been able to do anything today… Fever finally broke about 3pm, and I sweat…
I wanted to do so much today. Sort her clothes, get things put away, get laundry done… I have slept and watched tv. The shows remind me of her. Things we watched together or programs from the 80’s or 70’s that remind me of her as a child…way before our lives intertwined and hers ended.
Actually doing something today would help, but I don’t feel well with this stomach bug…I feel trapped. I just sit with my dull, painful, ongoing, ache. Nothing makes it better, nothing improves the feelings. Nothing. I could not identify anything that would make me “feel good” again.
This is where I am today. Not pretty. But it’s the facts.
No focus, no positive thinking. Just numb.
The plan? Continue to get rest, try to get over the bug. Then look at making more of tomorrow.