She would be happy that I felt happy.
She would want the kids and I to enjoy our time together and laugh like we used to do. It would be important to her that we continue to cut up around the dinner table, watch our tv shows, and share our lives.
If I could have asked her, before she died, what she would want for our lives, I know she would request that we continue on with the wonderful life we have been given. Our home has been happy and loving…this is not going to stop – and Jana would want it no other way.
There is not guilt in this, or shouldn’t be…and, I don’t think that I feel the guilt like I did. There is a growing freedom to be happy again. It shows up when I hike in the trees with a good friend, plan my hunting spot, and watch Hallmark movies with the kids. Bright spots that bring a smile. Happiness that I know she would encourage me to lay hold of.
These tidbits of joy, now, are like gold. Shining moments that I can remember and build on. Happy times that let me know – there are more to come! It may be slow, but when I recognize what I know to be Jana’s wish for us, it helps me to reach a little harder for the joy in life.
I want to enjoy life again. I desire that. I look forward to it. God is good and I know He is with me, throughout this season of my life. He knows and is preparing me for my next season…whatever that is. I should be patient and wait for His leading…learning what I need to learn now, becoming what I need to become. Some days, I actually find this process of God working on me a…joy.