Grief’s Selfish Design

My prayers have been very conversational, lately. I have been explaining my feelings to God and asking His help for very specific things. There is a confidence that I have when talking to God. When He assures me that all is under His control and I rest in His mighty hand, then I am calm and secure.

Grief is a very selfish thing. It has to be, at least initially. The focus is self healing; spiritually, emotionally, and even physically. There comes a point, I believe, where the “inward” focus begins to shift and include the more normal combination of “inward” and “outward” focus. If a person does not incorporate the growing focus on others, it could become self-pity. This could be a place where a person gets stuck in grief.

In walking through grief, my thought is to intentionally begin incorporating “others” thinking along the way. The self-work serves a purpose, but if I want to grow as a believer, this spiritual journey must include service to my brothers and sisters.

At this point, I am just trying not to make the conversation about me every time I get together with a friend! I am noticing that people care and want to check in with me, I appreciate that and so I will bend their ear a bit with my processing. But, I’m trying to stop monopolizing conversations, I want to hear from others again. Folks have been very kind to listen to me and allow me to share my thoughts. At this point, I am starting to sense the lopsided conversations.

I am a listener and the last few months have been a time for me to talk. I’m not done, I still want to process my thoughts with people, but I do want to listen again. This is my first step in combating the self-centeredness of the grief. Opening up to other people, being there for them, and being present in somebody else’s life are things I long to incorporate back into my own life and personal ministry.

The din in my ears of my own pain is quieting down… I am learning to live with my new life and my new me. I am taking intentional steps towards an outward focus in multiple areas of my life. All normal parts of living, which is what I am trying to do.

Do not be conformed to this age, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may discern what is the good, pleasing, and perfect will of God.

Romans 12:2

Author: kcradioman

I am the Director of Twin Oaks Family Care in Excelsior Springs, Mo. I hold a Master of Arts in counseling from Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary and, currently, am working on the Doctor of Ministry in Care and Counseling at MBTS. My wife and I were married in 1998 and we had 2 daughters. On July 26th, 2019, my lovely wife, Jana, was diagnosed with Leukemia and began treatment. On Aug 7th, 2019, she died of complications from the chemo treatment. God prepared us and sustains us. My way of grieving includes being open and transparent about my feelings. My hope is to provide a voice of support for others experiencing grief.

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