In the mornings I would pick out one of Jana’s coffee cups to serve her coffee in. One time she let me know she wanted a different mug than I had picked out and I feigned offense. After that she let me pick ANY cup I wanted to give her to avoid “hurting my feelings!”
I looked at the gathering of her coffee cups and realized they needed to be packed up, never to be chosen for my sweet Jana again. These are the things, man! These are the moments that drive the sharp point home that she has died.
Her clothes, her purses, her jewelry…all the things that encompassed her earthly life – unceremoniously being stored in totes. It is a major event in my heart, though. Each item placed into storage is another step in my grief walk. The tough decisions – what to part with – come later. I still can’t even think about letting go of any of her things. One day those choices will make sense…but, not now.
I am beginning to walk “next” to this new reality. It’s not as much of a weight crushing me anymore, but the pain walks right along with me. Even though he is practically my shadow, grief allows me a little freedom here and there. I am allowed to consider the future more, but he doesn’t allow me too many steps down that road. I am thinking more about the theory behind Mr. Grief, maybe even more than practice. He is also giving me some space to interact more normally with others. As good as Grief is being to me lately, I would still be happier if he just moved on…