A day off. A day to do some things that I want to do. The smoker is puffing away at 250 degrees with our dinner brisket, a friend is coming for lunch, and I have a deer stand to place in the afternoon. I am praying for a productive, enjoyable day!
I haven’t taken too many days off, completely. There were a few days, right after Jana died, that I took off to complete arrangements and so forth. I don’t regret how I did things, it was good for me. I think I have done what I have needed to do, even to this day. I have been so blessed with the situation and people that surround me at this time in my life. If it wasn’t for certain friends and family that literally walked alongside, helped with the business, made me “wash my face and get up”, and encourage me from afar…I would not be in a good place today. But, they did, and I am in a good place.
I miss Jana, and I am hopeful for the future. In the last few weeks, I have topped the fulcrum and have begun slowly moving down the other side. The fulcrum I am picturing is the one that keeps me divided between holding on to what will never be again and what is to come. These are two very different places. I am learning how to live with the death of my wife. I am learning how to place the pieces into my day to day.
Here is my mental picture of this: I see, in my mind, a room off to the right. It’s a strong room, a display room. It has thick glass walls, nice lighting and it is warm and inviting. I can see everything in this room at a glance. I walk by as I live, and think, and engage with others. Inside the room are shelves, shelves that hold memories. These memories are safely held here, they are all of Jana. I can walk in, take a look at one, enjoy it, and place it back on the shelf. I can even invite others in to look at a memory or two. They are there for safe keeping, not hidden, not forgotten, just secure in my heart.
The last few months have been a process of taking my memories in, one by one, and placing them on the shelves. Some items are still scattered about in front of the room like a yard sale. But, I will get to each and get the place all straightened up. I am looking forward to being secure and happy with this room of memories. I am even anxious to bring others in to enjoy them with me on occasion. This room is an important place in my heart and will always be a place I love to visit.