I Don’t Wanna

Had a great weekend visiting family, my sister and brother-in-law’s church, and Silver Dollar City with the kids. I’m making memories. Although the new memories are sweet, they are all clouded with the fact that someone is missing…

I feel that it is important to go. Beneficial to do things, get out, and continue to experience life. The reasons that may keep me from going out include:

  • Just plain sorrow. I am too sad to do much or engage in much.
  • Guilt. Irrational feelings of enjoying myself knowing my wife has died. This isn’t fair to me, or to those I am with, but it is a reality of the grief process.
  • Fear. The thought of doing things alone can be daunting. This is also a new reality for me, so I must face each situation with a new perspective of singleness and confidence in my own decision making.
  • Lack of Interest. At this point, my interests in the things I enjoy are returning. But, for a long time, I had no interest in anything, much less actively choosing to experience life.
  • Weird Emotions. Often, there seems to be this attack of emotions that comes out of nowhere. It can be anger, most often, though, it’s sadness and a melancholy feeling. These emotions were crippling to begin with, but have eased as the grief process continues.

Each of these reasons are worthy of being confronted when they threaten to take over. I don’t want to be stopped in my grief work or my re-integration into life by psychological reasons that have no basis in truth. I have experienced each of these characteristics listed, but I stop short of allowing them to control my behavior, as best as I can.

It’s all part of finding my new life. It’s very difficult. I have to be honest with myself, open to change, and sensitive to the Lord and His leadership. As I go, I will continue to engage in life. I will embrace the days that God has given. I will make my mistakes, sin, and fall short. But, God is compassionate and gracious and He is patient. Amen!

Author: kcradioman

I am the Director of Twin Oaks Family Care in Excelsior Springs, Mo. I hold a Master of Arts in counseling from Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary and, currently, am working on the Doctor of Ministry in Care and Counseling at MBTS. My wife and I were married in 1998 and we had 2 daughters. On July 26th, 2019, my lovely wife, Jana, was diagnosed with Leukemia and began treatment. On Aug 7th, 2019, she died of complications from the chemo treatment. God prepared us and sustains us. My way of grieving includes being open and transparent about my feelings. My hope is to provide a voice of support for others experiencing grief.

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