Sleeping and Influence

It’s 4am-ish, and I’m up thinking… One of those times when all the thoughts seem to converge and keep me up. I’m thinking about my business, money, bills, and…Jana.

I miss her presence. Lying next to me, especially on nights like this, when I can’t sleep. I would look at her for just a few seconds, then her eyes would open and she would seem to just know I couldn’t sleep. How did she do that?

Maybe she never slept? When the kids were little she would be up in a heartbeat when they cried or made any noise. I don’t know that I ever heard them, and she was up taking care of whatever problem they had. She was such a good mother. She exemplified to me what motherhood was all about.

Well, I take that back, she did sleep. Evenings. That’s when she did her sleeping – during tv shows, movies, and when I started telling old navy stories. I wanted her to stay up and watch whatever we were watching, but she would inevitably fall asleep, even during the finale of reality shows!


Memory is fading… It’s getting harder to remember our once daily routines. We have created new ones. Things have changed so much in our lives, new events have been scheduled. The plans we made, prior to her death, have all been completed. Stuff Jana and I put on the calendar, back then, has now passed by. Time is moving on…

She influences much of what I do. I have learned to behave certain ways, interact with the kids in positive ways, and I have learned to be a caring husband. These strengths come from the years of marriage education with Jana. Even though time moves on, and situations change, I will always take her influence with me, among other things.

I am so thankful for my time with her. Lord willing, I have several years left to live, and in those years I hope to find a place of joy and happiness that is somewhat like what I enjoyed with Jana for 22 years.

Author: kcradioman

I am the Director of Twin Oaks Family Care in Excelsior Springs, Mo. I hold a Master of Arts in counseling from Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary and, currently, am working on the Doctor of Ministry in Care and Counseling at MBTS. My wife and I were married in 1998 and we had 2 daughters. On July 26th, 2019, my lovely wife, Jana, was diagnosed with Leukemia and began treatment. On Aug 7th, 2019, she died of complications from the chemo treatment. God prepared us and sustains us. My way of grieving includes being open and transparent about my feelings. My hope is to provide a voice of support for others experiencing grief.

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