Moving on, getting over it, progressing, changing, getting better, feeling good, accepting, growth, new life… People package working through the grief process in a lot of different ways. Any way you slice it, it’s tough!
I am not the same person that I was August 6th, the day before Jana died. And, I am not the same person that I was in the weeks following Jana’s death. I am different.
Easily, a person could become more cynical and angry, even bitter, with life. I can see that possibility. But, I have taken a different route. I have begun to embrace life more. I find myself being more open and willing to interact with others. The thought, “What have I got to lose?”, comes to mind.
I am finding a compassion that is different from what I had possessed previously. My heart is softened towards people in difficult circumstances. Their pain is easy to get in touch with, as my own pain is so near the surface.
There is a strength that I am realizing as I face these troubles of life. Faith has increased, the Lord is carrying me and strengthening me for this journey. Often, I feel weak and incapable of meaningful work or connections with others. But, this is changing.
Grief is doing it’s heavy lifting in my life. It’s moving the pieces of my current understanding around, making space for new understanding of life and God. The way I used to think is being massaged by grief into different shapes and colors. The world doesn’t look the same…
There is good out there. This process does go somewhere. I can see it getting nearer, the signs of life ahead are more common. The lows are not as low, the pain is not as sharp, and the fears are not so consuming.
We laughed at the dinner table yesterday…just like we used to do. These are great signs! This is good. God is the giver of all good gifts, and life is a good gift. Especially, life done together.
The future… I think a lot about the future. There are so many things to think about, so many issues to navigate, and so many memories left to put into my memory room for safe keeping before it’s time to really step into the future…