I finished packing up Jana’s stuff in my room tonight. There was one dresser left with jewelry, clothing, and various keepsakes. Everything gets put into large totes and taken downstairs until a later date. We will go through them at some point in the future and decide what to do with everything…not now.
Surprisingly, I am feeling good about getting the dresser cleared and enjoying a more de-cluttered room. I am naturally a minimalist, and it’s beginning to show in the bedroom.
Jana had journals stored in the drawers of the dresser. I flipped through a couple of them to see the dates of her writings. Some went back to 2005, just after the stillbirth of our son. It hurts me now to read of Jana’s pain surrounding the loss of Greyson. Some of the grief I knew about, much of it she kept inside.
The most important writings I read from the different journals were Jana’s prayers and bible study. She responded to verses and spoke to God about her life. She confessed sin, prayed for others, and gave glory to God in her recorded thoughts. I dearly love reading these pages.
There are plenty of things that I find tucked away in the house that I hold up and say, “Jana, why did you keep this?” I have to laugh, and, for most of the items, I can’t bring myself to throw it out, so I pack it into the tote to take a look at later…and probably smile again.
This work is not easy. I am understanding it better as I go along, but it hurts my heart. Avoiding the objects, journals, and personal items holds the sharp pain of sweet memories at bay…but, the time will come, at some point, to take care of these things. It’s good to do now. It’s good to remember and to process the grief. Each time I am feeling stronger…the memories are happier…I know my heart is healing.