Dear Friendly Reader, I want to write to you regarding a topic that I have not written of, but one that owns a bit of stock in my mind. Loneliness. But, specifically, loneliness in close relationship.
From the day Jana died, thoughts of intense aloneness were almost unbearable. My person was no longer there. Reality told me that she could no longer fill that giant chasm in my life, so, weirdly, thoughts of “replacing” cross the mind. You must understand, these are not actionable thoughts, or ones that would be beneficial in any way, but everything within me told me that I needed somebody in that place.
Maybe you are thinking that some salacious confession will take place here, but, no…I am just speaking of the intense feelings that go along with the loss of my closest friend on earth. Her departure left such a vacuum in my heart that, for several weeks, it was hard not to want to fill it with something. I suppose different people deal with this feeling in a variety of ways. I chose, and still choose, to write, cry, and pray, among others.
Now, at the three month mark, these lonely feelings still exist, but not in the manner at which they began. I am learning to live single. My life and interests are emerging and taking more of my attention. Likewise, the future is more of an interest to me…
My hope is in an eternity with Christ. This hope will not disappoint. For the rest of my days on earth, I have certain goals and hopes, as well. One goal is to serve the Lord in whatever way He sees fit to use my life. I also have relational hopes.
There is an understanding within me that I would like to be in a meaningful relationship again someday. I loved being married to Jana, learning to be a husband, and giving my heart to another human being. One hope I have is for this experience again. It would be a different song, another beautiful song.
As of this writing, I am brought to tears thinking of giving my heart to another. Obviously a good sign that I am not prepared to do such a thing. Not for a while… So, now I pray for my healing. I pray for my girls. And, I pray for God’s will in the future…
Your Thoughtful Friend,