It’s about 6:30 pm where I sit. In about an hour and 20 minutes, it will have been three months since Jana breathed her last.
What a difficult journey the last days and weeks have been. I have never felt the ways in which I have felt in the wake of her death. From the first intensely surreal and heartbroken hours to long days of deep sorrow and depressed thoughts, I have been wrung out and beat up.
I have felt like I couldn’t go on, like I was losing my mind, and as if I was lost on this earth. The complete fog that surrounded me was unbelievable in it’s ability to saturate every portion of my life. I look back and wonder how I even kept moving forward to get to the point I am today.
Be strong and courageous; don’t be terrified or afraid of them. For the LORD your God is the one who will go with you; he will not leave you or abandon you.”
The grief work is not over. There is more. I couldn’t wait to get to this point, because I only hoped the pain would be less…and, it is. Every day still hurts, memories still bring tears, and I still can’t believe she is in heaven.
Will I ever be happy in life again? Feel the joy of relationship again? Realize the closeness of another person again? At three months, I would answer yes…these things are still possible. Somewhere, down the road I am working on so diligently, there are blessings that God is planning to give…in addition to the many blessings He provides every day.
Dear Lord, thank you for being with me, strengthening me for this journey. Thank you for the time I enjoyed with Jana. You are good and you give good gifts. Lord, I pray, now, for the future and your will in the days to come. Amen