There is a big step before me. It’s a decision that I have made in the past. A thought that got ironed out in the general angst of young adulthood… The decision is whether or not to take a step forward and live.
This step does not entail leaving my grief, abandoning my sorrow over Jana, or all of a sudden being “better.” It’s a step that moves me towards my life, my interests, and explores who, exactly, I am.
My early adult years were especially formative in this. Then, my married life taught me worlds of lessons. Now, how does God want me to use this personal growth to navigate the rest of my days?
I love being open to me. After all, it is me that I will spend the rest of my life with. There are no shortage of questions that come with this personal exploration. Every area of life is open for critique. In a weird way, I am getting to know ‘Chris’ all over again.
Living life in sorrow is not my idea of living, nor is it what I expect to do. My faith in God’s word tells me that Jana is home, and, one day, I will be there, too. My faith propels me forward into a surety that my wife is safe and secure. This hope, in the saving work of Jesus, provides the foundation for my own life.
but our citizenship is in heaven, and we eagerly wait for a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ.
With this life, I live it for the Lord. Yes, I have my interests and the desires of my heart, which God knows, but, ultimately my life is His! Jana has gone home, that was His will, and, I am adjusting. If I did not go on living, how am I exemplifying the faith that I claim to have? Jana is safe at home where her citizenship actually resides.
As I said, this grief experience is not without pain. My faith is often very weak. But, even with strong faith, the pain of loss is real. Faith says, “Take the step.” Step into what God has. Trust in His plan. Find your voice, speak My truth, and love.