From the day Jana departed her earthly tent, I have been on a steady march toward healing. The terrain has changed over the weeks, and now months, but the progress did not stop. I can look out and see many other obstacles yet to be conquered, but as I struggle through I become stronger and those obstacles look less intimidating.
While driving in to take advantage of a Veteran’s Day deal or two yesterday, I told the girls that I am getting accustomed to the idea that mom is gone. This simple fact, alone, has taken a long time to wrap my head around.
At first it’s as if I forget and I have to remind myself that she is not here. Denial created a cloud that insulated me from feeling the pain of loss all at once. Slowly, the cloud dissipates and the realities of life settle in.
Acceptance must incorporate the reality of the loss. Before I can actually be better, I must understand my life without her and the truth of this situation. I can kick and fight against this reality, but it does not change it.
Personally, I know it’s good for me to move into deeper levels of understanding what Jana’s death means. Even so, I know that I am, at the same time, letting go of what is no more and what will never be.
My functional marriage is no more. Two people…living their lives together in mutual commitment. Our plans for the future…hopes, dreams, thoughts of future joys to be had. These things are no more. These are the missing parts of life I am also getting accustomed to. It’s the unfortunate reality.
From my understanding of life, now, springs new plans, new paths for dreams. Many of the hopes Jana and I had for the future have not changed. I still look forward to the girls moving into their young adult years, having families, and maybe grandchildren someday! I will continue to serve the Lord, maybe even in a care ministry capacity again.
God is not finished with me. He has given me life. I will stand on faith knowing that Jana is safe, and continue to accept the reality of God’s will in my life. The future is not a sad place, filled with loss and regret over life events. The future is full of opportunity, growth, and… eternally speaking, a forever existence with Jesus in heaven!