Balanced Thinking

There is a large scale in my mind that holds major concepts on each side. One side of the scale holds “grief.” The other side of the scale is a little more complicated. It holds “future”, “healing”, and “faith,” among other ideas in the same context.

The scale started tipping toward grief on July 26th, when Jana went into the hospital. There were other things beside grief, primarily “fear”, that really started to make the scale dip in their favor.

Then, August 7th, when Jana died, the scale plummeted to “grief” and nothing on the “future” side even mattered. My plans, wellness of mind, and anything good evaporated into thin air.

Since that day, I have slowly begun stacking onto the “future” side. A scrap here, a sliver there… Ideas, concepts, feelings, and faith that slowly accumulate and begin to move the scale slightly.

Once the pan holding future and faith begins to lift off of the table and daylight is seen under that side of the scale, I realize what’s possible! I know things can change for the better! So, it encourages me to stack more of these good things onto the healthy side of the scale.

I have witnessed this scale now in my mind, and it’s slow movement, for over 3 months. It has moved considerably through my hard work. In my heart, it feels about even between grief and future. My thoughts run from sadness then quickly to anticipation of positive things to come.

My faith is stronger. Living through this trial is certainly teaching endurance. My heart for others is changing and the way that I see pain is more colorful and vivid. Previously, I saw other’s suffering in more of a gray-scale. Now, I see the brilliant colors of grief, sorrow, and depression. The various hues of loss that color every aspect of life in their respective degrees.

The positive portion of reaching a place in which my emotional/faith scale is balanced is that I realize that I cannot stay here. I have momentum to continue toward faith, continue toward future. It’s easier to heap on the faith-based decisions.

When friends and family ask, “How are you doing?” I often offer my status in the form of a number on the ten-scale. For a long time, I was a 0.5! In accordance with my previous discussion in this post, I would say I am very close to a 5 much of the time. Reaching this point in my grief strengthens my resolve to push on and continue to feel each emotion, tackle the things that are scary, and place my faith in the One who will see me through, Jesus Christ!

Consider it a great joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you experience various trials, because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its full effect, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing.

James 1:2-4

Author: kcradioman

I am the Director of Twin Oaks Family Care in Excelsior Springs, Mo. I hold a Master of Arts in counseling from Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary and, currently, am working on the Doctor of Ministry in Care and Counseling at MBTS. My wife and I were married in 1998 and we had 2 daughters. On July 26th, 2019, my lovely wife, Jana, was diagnosed with Leukemia and began treatment. On Aug 7th, 2019, she died of complications from the chemo treatment. God prepared us and sustains us. My way of grieving includes being open and transparent about my feelings. My hope is to provide a voice of support for others experiencing grief.

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