Yeah, but…

Waves of realization and sorrow keep crashing.

What were our routines? What was the daily schedule… I suppose if I thought hard enough I could recall the day-to-day life that Jana and I held. It seems so far away now…

I could sit and try to remember, but what will that do for me? Make me sad? Wish for the past? Get angry? I don’t know… In my “less-than-happy” moments, I just say, “it’s pointless.”

The memories are so nice, and I am happy to remember the things we did and our life together. Sometimes, though, these times of remembrance just end with frustration at what is no more. The memory plays in my head, I enjoy a quick moment…then, like a rushing wave, the realization of loss just covers me. The wonderful thoughts seem to end in emptiness.

This process is what I am learning to live with. Memories have two edges to them. One edge echoes joy, happiness, and warmth. Then after my mind travels the distance of a good memory, I find the opposite edge. This side of the memory is cold, sharp, and unforgiving.

Something so nice, Jana, next to something so unwanted, death. My recollections all seem to end in a frown. A short smile, a brief warmth that sparks and fades just as quickly…this is all I get.

Here’s the thing, I am not particularly “down” or “depressed.” This is just how it is. This is life right now. Every sentence has a “yeah, but…” at the end. “Hey, the business is doing well…yeah, but…Jana’s not here.”

This is life getting better. FYI…life really sucked before this. I’m still working, still learning, still praying… I need Jesus. I need His help. Not sure where all this life-thing is going, and I am looking forward to the future, but it’s going to take a long time to completely agree with reality.

Author: kcradioman

I am the Director of Twin Oaks Family Care in Excelsior Springs, Mo. I hold a Master of Arts in counseling from Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary and, currently, am working on the Doctor of Ministry in Care and Counseling at MBTS. My wife and I were married in 1998 and we had 2 daughters. On July 26th, 2019, my lovely wife, Jana, was diagnosed with Leukemia and began treatment. On Aug 7th, 2019, she died of complications from the chemo treatment. God prepared us and sustains us. My way of grieving includes being open and transparent about my feelings. My hope is to provide a voice of support for others experiencing grief.

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