Some days the grief leaves you feeling blah. No particular motivation, no particular feeling…just indifferent to it all. I suppose that would be preferable to the intense pain.
I am not a person that has generally felt this way. In the past, I have had my depressed moments, but nothing that lingered very long. These feelings are all new to me in this capacity and duration. It is a struggle to constantly fight these emotions.
Things are getting more normal in life. I am able to interact and gather with people and function normally, to some degree. Inside I am constantly reminding myself that Jana is no longer here, but at the same time – I can enjoy my time and fellowship with others.
Most of my thoughts orbit around Jana. Somehow, everything is measured by how it interacts with my loss. She was so much a part of my life and thinking for so many years.
“The two shall become one…” This separation does not come with any kind of clean break. One body, one mind, one focus, one life… How violently this ‘one’ was ripped apart. My “better half,” now that half is missing; shared veins, arteries, neuron synapses, connecting tissue, thought passages…all end where once a body was. Graphic, but it seems to illustrate the nature of the division in my mind… I’m left bleeding out.
God is bringing me along. He is helping me, speaking, guiding. Sometimes I give Him my full attention, other times I retreat to my corner and act like I can handle it all. This is the work each day. Almost four months ago, I was anxious to get to Thanksgiving, because I knew I would be further along. Now that Thanksgiving is upon us, I am anxious for spring…because I know I will be even better then.