Faithless Feelings

God, I’m struggling. My questions run deep, maybe deeper than I recognize or want to admit. After years of confessing, teaching, and believing your word, I find myself questioning You, Yourself, because of Your decisions. More than just “why?” The question is bigger, the wondering encompasses more than just a simple query of purpose.

God, who are You? We have enjoyed a relationship that was based on trust. I trusted that You would be good to me. Has that changed? Have you not been good to me? This is just the beginning of my confusion.

You have called me to love. Love my wife as Christ loves the church. Unconditionally. I obeyed. My reward? She is gone. The love now goes nowhere… God, I sound ungrateful, and maybe because I am. I am sorry.

Comfort comes in the knowledge of salvation. Jesus, you first loved us, gave yourself for us, and provided a place for us in eternity. I believe this. Yet, I feel distant from Your promises. You are my only hope for eternal life, but I am stuck in the here and now. Stumbling over my grief and sorrow. My suffering holds me back from embracing you…

These feelings come and go. The struggle shows up in a variety of ways, each day or thought looking a little different…but following the same theme. Jesus, your truth is what I desire and need. It’s there before me, but sometimes feels just out of reach. Feels… My feelings inform me of the continued cloud of grief that hinders my vision, spiritually and emotionally.

So if you have been raised with Christ, seek the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.

Colossians 3:1-2

Set my mind. Seek the things above. These are actions apart from feelings. Keep focusing on Christ, who is seated above! Keep focusing on the things above, the eternal things, the things that matter – forever! I have grief work to do, but I must incorporate the steady dose of God’s truth throughout this process.

God, please forgive me for my wavering faith. I pray for faith, a faith to set my mind on, and seek, the things above. Please give me a faith that trusts and believes in your purposes and your promises! Jesus, I pray for wisdom in applying your truth to this earthly life. Amen.

Author: kcradioman

I am the Director of Twin Oaks Family Care in Excelsior Springs, Mo. I hold a Master of Arts in counseling from Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary and, currently, am working on the Doctor of Ministry in Care and Counseling at MBTS. My wife and I were married in 1998 and we had 2 daughters. On July 26th, 2019, my lovely wife, Jana, was diagnosed with Leukemia and began treatment. On Aug 7th, 2019, she died of complications from the chemo treatment. God prepared us and sustains us. My way of grieving includes being open and transparent about my feelings. My hope is to provide a voice of support for others experiencing grief.

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