Time incessantly keeps marching. “Time heals all.” I am coming to believe that time, itself, doesn’t heal…it simply dulls. My memories of Jana are not exactly clear…and they feel more distant everyday. What happened to my wife?
Tonight, I looked back at a series of selfies that Jana took while in the hospital and just before being admitted. The Leukemia was dragging her down, killing all of her red blood cells, but we were oblivious. She had no idea what was happening within her body, none of us did. I look at these pictures now and the last 22 years seem to become a blur…I find myself asking, “what happened?” I look into her eyes in these pictures, I can detect the concern, the fear, the uneasiness…
Nothing, there was nothing that I could do. The wheels were in motion. They don’t stop… for anybody. We couldn’t back up, re-start something, or change course. The path was fixed. I discovered, after the fact, where the path led.
It all ended on August 7th. A relationship, a love affair that was built to last. Who were we? I can’t hear her anymore. Her voice doesn’t sing out through our home. The laughter, the silly voices, the quiet whispers… All hushed.
Sorrow. Just sorrow. It punctuates everything in my life. No good thing that doesn’t come without pain. It is a way of life right now. I can’t escape it. No matter how I try, or what I participate in, my heart remains broken…and it colors all I think or do.
This is my weight to carry. I will carry it into new relationships, current circles, and I drag it along when I visit with the Lord. Maybe it will lighten up, or at least allow me to place it somewhere out of the way while I continue to live my life.
So much to think about. So much processing… Slowly getting stronger. Got to express myself when the grief becomes all that fills my vision. These are moments, moments that originally were 24-hours a day. Now, these moments come and go… I’m not tied to them like I once was. I’m learning, progressing, finding my place…