Had a few friends over yesterday to watch the Kansas City Chiefs football game. This was a step, an experiment, and, as it turned out, a real joy.
In many social situations I have often been anxious in the group setting. Sometimes I feel that way in church, too. I have tried not to avoid these situations, but embrace them and stick with it. Although, some gatherings I am not ready for yet, but anxious to get back to.
After working through all the moving parts and pieces of grief, I find that my thoughts are arranged in such a way that being with other people is acceptable. There is a feeling of natural progression to my journey. It’s time to spend more time with people.
I am not able to get an “approval” from Jana, but my behavior, according to my own thinking, must be “ok” by her. In other words, I would not want to do anything that, under the circumstances, would not be acceptable to Jana. This thought of what is acceptable increasingly becomes my own, as situations and relationships evolve.
It is all part of the process of placing my memories of Jana into the window-walled room in my heart and keeping them all safe. She cannot walk with me in this life, but she will always be remembered by me. I go on, I continue to serve, I am the one to live this life out according to God’s plan…
A happily married man takes a long time to become “un-married!” It’s difficult to think, act, and conduct life as a single. This doesn’t even include the thoughts surrounding a dating situation, just simply doing life as a single individual.
I can still do things I enjoy, like entertaining guests for a game, as a single person. I am finding my own identity and beginning to embrace my life. Hosting a small get-together and not breaking down before, during, or afterwards, gives me confidence and hope for the future. The cords of grief are loosening, and I’m throwing some of them off, as my mood begins to rise.