Today I miss warming up next to Jana. Snuggling under a blanket, watching a movie, or visiting. It’s freezing cold outside and my heart feels like it’s matching the weather in temperature. My love is not here.
I’m trying… I’m trying to make friends – and I have met some great people. I’m trying to connect with others – and I get to talk with some wonderful individuals, many of whom have gone through the same loss that I have.
I’m trying to live. My grief has an icy grip on my heart and won’t let me rise too high. Overall, my mood trajectory is up, although sometimes the “up” is more of a very slight incline…it’s still, sort-of, basically, up. Occasional strides in the progression. I’m conquering difficult circumstances and relational hurdles.
There are days, like today, that I am utterly grounded. I don’t feel “beat up”, like on some occasions. No, today it’s like my wings were clipped. I’m walking, not flying. Maybe I have done enough “flying” this week. Now, I process…
It has been a great week of socializing. I need to explore and consider all of my recent experiences. I do need to meet people and talk to my resourceful “widow community” (which I learned includes me). I have found that connecting with other widows/widowers is very empowering and even delightful.
God has given me life. I may be by myself under the blanket on a cold day, but He is good to me. He gives me grace to be here…alone. As John Candy said in Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, “I like me.” I like others, too. The Lord has placed, and is placing, some wonderful people in my life for which I am super grateful. Through Him and His people, I am getting stronger every day.