Joy in This Season

Jana is not here, but our wish for you is the same. From 2016.

Have you ever noticed how happy the family is in a movie just before something happens to one of them? Maybe they show the family all extra-happy going to the beach or camping or whatever. Then, a tragic thing happens to one of the family members. Sometimes, that feels like our life…

I can look back at times around our dinner table, for example, and remember the laughter, silly behaviors, and great conversation. What wonderful times. This was our day-to-day life. We enjoyed being a family very much. Occasionally, the thought would come up, “will this last?”

It’s easy to think we have it all together. The gentle trajectory of life will lull us into a comfortable, “easy,” place. Is this wrong? No, I guess not, but everything comes into question after those still waters are stirred, or for a better description, someone does a cannon-ball into our pond.

My heart longs for those days. There are more good days in the future, but I will never have those days again. I have to believe that new experiences, new people, and new dinner-table shenanigans will take place down the road. It’s who I am and how I roll.

The asterisk is always, “I’m not replacing her…” That’s true. Part of what made our experience beautiful was…me. It was our combined effort at a wonderful marriage and life together. I am still willing, and desiring, to put my energy behind such a purpose in the future.

Nothing will take those moments from me. No one will dull my love for my first love. And, nothing will take away my capacity for love. I can see a path where each relationship, old and new, in life has a place – a very important place in my heart. And, they can co-exist in a wonderful way.

I am on the beginning of this path. Another major turn in my grief walk. The anxiousness of meeting others is fun. It’s not simply a distraction, like so many other things have been, it’s actually enjoyable. Maybe it’s the possibility of friendship, relationship, and love, that creates a hope for more special dinner time conversations and laughter.

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