Today marks five months since my beautiful wife went home to be with the Lord. Her memory draws me back in time. I often wish that I could live in the past somehow. Relive the days and years we spent together, I would start from the beginning and do it all over again… Living in a weird dimension – would that be better than trying to forge my way ahead, learning new ways of life, and carrying on without her?
No, I must move forward. There is no alternate life or universe in which she remains on earth. Reality… It’s reality I must grasp when those daydreams take over my mind. She is safe at home, and I have further work to do. If I love the Lord, I love His ways.
Even so, I miss her. The days and weeks are doing their eroding work on my memory. Pictures help, but my time with Jana seems so far away. For me, it feels as if the last five months could have been five years. Each day is a slow, lumbering, work of sorrow. Very few light moments litter the weeks to make the time move any faster…
If my “normal” self were clothes, I am partially dressed. I have the essentials on, and enough to go out in public. I don’t look very put together or neat, but, I am wearing enough to not get arrested. As I go, I am finding other articles of normal that I used to wear. Some fit, some don’t. In some areas, I need to go shopping for something new.
Right after Jana died, I was anxious to get to where I am at today. I wanted to escape the intense grief of the moment. Jump, magically, to another time where I didn’t feel such excruciating pain. Logically, I knew that I had to endure the suffering, and it’s in walking that terrible road that leads to where I am at now.
The grief is not over, I still have work to do. Five months ago I began chipping at this block of grief. I am not sure where the illustration goes, exactly. I just saw it as work. But, when I consider my progress, I see tons of dust and rock chunks all around a knee-high block of granite. I can see over it clearly. My path continues. It’s lined with trees, lit with beautiful sunlight, and lush green grass fields lie on the other side. And, upon closer inspection, I see other granite blocks, of various sizes, dotted down the path. They sit waiting on the other side of the remains of the stone I currently stand before.