Challenge of Living

The challenge, each day, is to live life. The grief path has been a series of challenges, which I have done my best to face head-on. Most of these hurdles have been natural and progressive in nature. Basically, I tackle the next thing that comes up. I will have more of these, and I kind of experience little ones every day, but just living my life is the current obstacle.

There is always a strong motivation to quit, sit back, stop, and give up. This negative self-talk can show up when I make healthy, growth decisions and I hear guilt statements in my mind. There is no guilt in moving this grief forward.

Guilt certainly can arise from bad decisions that I make, though! But, these two situations are very separate. The false guilt that I feel says, “you don’t love her” and, I can even hear Jana’s voice asking me if I have “forgotten her.” These kind of thoughts can be haunting and I have to realize that it is just in my mind.

Living life is not forgetting. There are times to sit back, and remember… These moments are tough, tear-filled, and cleansing. But, these times of catharsis allow for further life decisions afterwards. When I give time to both feelings of sorrow and expressions of growth, I recognize progress and strength. There is a balance to my grief.

Examples of living life include choosing to serve at church, taking care of myself physically, pursuing activities I enjoy, and reaching out to others in grief.

Yes, Jana died. But, I did not. Jana is perfectly taken care of and at peace. I have work yet to do. She has gone home. I am still sojourning. Jana has been perfected. I am broken, sinful, and forgiven. God extends the grace, through Jesus, to bring all these things together in His purposes. Thank you, Lord. Amen.

Therefore, since we also have such a large cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us lay aside every hindrance and the sin that so easily ensnares us. Let us run with endurance the race that lies before us, keeping our eyes on Jesus, the source and perfecter of our faith. For the joy that lay before him, he endured the cross, despising the shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Hebrews 12:1-2

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