Yesterday, I recalled a memory of Jana that made me…laugh. It was a humorous memory, so laughing was appropriate, but the fact that I laughed caught me by surprise. I liked that.
When I set out to work hard on my grief, I knew I would see signposts of progress along the way. One of those markers was the ability to enjoy my memories of Jana and not just hurt.
So often, when I recall our times together, I furrow my brow and feel the tremendous weight of loss. My soul aches and I end up crying, speaking to God about it, or sitting and contemplating…looking out the window. Understanding her departure has been a very slow process, thus far. Getting one’s mind around such an event in life takes a tremendous amount of mental and emotional effort.
Laughing at a joyous moment of our lives together represents the place that I want to be and the place that I am already stepping into. I have often said that I enjoy talking about Jana, her life, and what she meant to others. I love everything about her and her life. Now, I am beginning to find joy in these things, not just see the sorrow.
I still find myself amazed, at times, that she is gone from this earth. My hope in Christ, and His resurrection power, keeps me from falling apart. My life almost feels like it was just a dream sometimes… How could 22 years feel like a dream?
I have trouble zooming in mentally on specific parts of those years, my mind seems to be ok feeling fuzzy. I haven’t forgotten, I struggle with the purpose of trying to remember every event and thing that happened. At times I want to remember her and our life so vividly that I can close my eyes and almost be there again. Other times, I ask myself, “What’s the point?”
Yes, there’s frustration in that question. There’s a sense of hopelessness, and also a bit of self-preservation. The better my memory, the stronger the pain. But, this ratio seems to be changing. As I continue my journey, I am realizing that the more vivid the memory the more joy and thankfulness I feel. To me, that represents health. I’m moving along, growing spiritually, emotionally, and in wisdom. Praise be to God, He’s not done with me.