Missing someone. I had a good friend ask me, yesterday, what I miss most about Jana. Man, what a hard question! Of course, there are so many attributes and characteristics that I miss. Everything that made up her…I guess that’s what I miss! I loved the question.
It takes a long time to adjust from such an intimate relationship. It’s so confusing and weighs on every part of life. My mind is often a jumble of emotions. There are things that I want to do or focus on, so I strike out in that direction…only to find difficult, choppy waters that threaten to capsize my unstable boat.
I long for order, again! Life is settling, but I have not found the “correct” order, yet. When will that come? Must I give up on the life situation I had a year ago before I can move on to another? There is a heavy realization…I won’t ever have what I had. Everything will be different.
The incessant summersaults of my mental gymnastics. Loops, no ending point. She died, I am struggling, I can’t find rest, I try to move forward, but, she died, I am struggling, I can’t find…and so on, the cycle continues.
Will there be a stopping point? Will someone throw the lever and stop my loop? Fling the stick into my spokes…then the whole thing flips on it’s head. And, how many of these loops can I run at a time? What if there is more grief added?
I’m sorry, friendly reader, I have no answers. This is the grip that I find myself in. These are emotions. Truth walks all over my emotions, though, and that’s where I will take this cyclical mess. Jesus understands and gives me the strength to continue moving.
I’m getting used to the rise and fall of my feelings. It’s not been easy and I continue to hurt, but, there is hope. There is life. I stand on promises that will not fail!
“Don’t let your heart be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me.  In my Father’s house are many rooms; if not, I would have told you. I am going away to prepare a place for you.  If I go away and prepare a place for you, I will come again and take you to myself, so that where I am you may be also.  You know the way to where I am going.”  “Lord,” Thomas said, “we don’t know where you’re going. How can we know the way?”  Jesus told him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.