Laverne, one of our two new cats, was inching her way from my bed onto the nightstand where all of the stuff from Jana’s funeral sits. I have not gone through those cards, the sign-in book, or letters since the funeral. I am so appreciative of the things that people gave and did for us, but this is too difficult for me to sort…
With her front paws on the nightstand and her back paws still on the bed, Laverne nosed around my sacred stack of stuff. Jana was allergic to cats and we never got one until recently. I told Laverne not to mess with the stuff there because, “You’ll make mom sneeze.” I considered my statement…and, I cried.
Even now, while writing this, the tears are running down my face. Why? Another reality? A truth that I am forced to reckon with… She isn’t here, and we’re moving forward with life. But, isn’t that what I am supposed to do, have to do?
I am tired of being sad. I want my life back, I want to feel normal again. Yet, I can’t pretend or wish things away. I am walking this long, dreary, painful walk. Even though it’s extremely difficult, I am not forging this path on my own, thankfully.
The LORD is the one who will go before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or abandon you. Do not be afraid or discouraged.”
I am not alone. It has been dark in my world. There have been days that were frightening and hellish moments were seared into my brain. Jesus was with me. These things happened. It has been horrible, no doubt, but Jesus was with me!
Trouble will come but, don’t be discouraged. Even in death, the hope of eternity, in Jesus, lies on the other side of that last breath. I watched that transition. I was there, on this side, when Jana moved to her eternal home. She is in His care, therefore, I am not discouraged.
I long for her voice again…I wish for another conversation about nothing at all… I miss her. She was my favorite. I’m trying to make life work, and finding a small amount of success. Probably, I’m doing better than what I feel… God is good.