“Why” is Too Complicated

One of the cold days I talked Jana into hunting!

One of the biggest moments of my hobby/interest life occurred this week. The Kansas City Chiefs won the Super Bowl. I have been watching, rooting, and hopeful for many years, and this week I was able to enjoy the pinnacle of the 2019 NFL season with my team. But…Jana is not here.

This is my chorus, my refrain to all that is good in my life, “But, Jana is not here…” In the last 6 months, the two biggest things to happen to me, within my interests, are my 25-point buck (officially), and the Chiefs win! Amazing fun…both events. But, my chorus rings out over the joy of the accomplishments.

Allyson and I went to the parade yesterday in downtown KC to cheer on the team. We suffered the cold, waited for hours, and pushed through the crowds to catch our glimpse of the young gridiron warriors. We had a blast! I love spending time with Allyson and enjoyed every minute of our day.

There were times in the day that I pictured Jana with us and thought about the joy she would have had standing there all bundled up waiting for the parade to come by. She would have brought more things in preparation, like food and a chair, and she would have brought more blankets!

It was in the evening that the whole win and celebration settled in on me…and I missed Jana. All I could do was picture her in her heavy coat, with scarf, and hat, looking cute and cold, standing there with us. How I miss our time together!

Sometimes, through my tears, I just ask God, “Why?” Not an angry, bitter questioning, but, a matter of fact – God, would you let me know? – kind of “Why?” I give Him a reminder of how much I loved her, and also thank Him for the time I did have.

I’m still confused at ‘why’. Not sure that I will ever get an answer. The answer, I’m sure, is far too complicated and interconnected with others for me to grasp God’s purposes, anyway. Really, my ‘why’ is more of a whimper, or a cry, to God. Reiterating my pain, sharing my confusion, putting myself at His feet, asking for mercy…

There are many events in the future that will possess the tag, “But, Jana is not here.” Big things will happen that will make her absence incredibly conspicuous. She is missed. I must find my way to continue on until the Lord calls me home, too. My work for Jesus is not done, and my life has meaning and purpose. There is a joy in knowing that.

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