My World is Warped

Everything that happens in my life is measured against a “feeling” chart. I ask myself how I am feeling about this holiday or that memory. “How are you doing?” Still a great question… I’m tired of the question, but it still seems appropriate.

I’m still walking in, what feels like, a fog. I find myself being forgetful, absent-minded, and unclear on details of the past 6 months. The most clarity that I can attain is in memories of Jana. That was when life was real

The present feels like some alternate universe. A place that has yet to be understood. Much of the world around me looks the same, but it’s all different. Like an episode of the Twilight Zone. I have stepped into some other dimension.

Surface of the Moon.

People look at me differently, I can sense that. I guess that’s ok? It’s a heavy weight to carry being known as “Chris, the guy who lost his wife.” But, it’s hard not to know me that way if you knew me before. I suppose that “title” will fade over time and I will be known, more so, for who I am again.

There is a responsibility to being known as the guy who lost his wife, though. I recognize that God is good and that He loves me…even in the horrible times of life. This is a truth of scripture.

Even when I go through the darkest valley, I fear no danger, for you are with me; your rod and your staff-they comfort me.

Psalm 23:4

It is my work to share the truth of God’s love for us, and to share Jesus’ work on the cross that conquered death and gives us life. My emotions are a series of lows and “less” lows (right now), but the Lord is steady! He is my rock of salvation in a world that seems to have been otherwise warped.

Bottom line, I guess, is that I am in a place that I have never been. I am treading ground in a land that is foreign to me. Relationships, feelings, situations, goals, and my current circumstances are all different. Things have, indeed, fundamentally changed in many ways. I have changed in many ways. But, even in this place of shifting sand and changing tides, I can lean on and trust in one constant – Jesus.

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