Each day is another step toward accepting the horror of my experience. How can one “accept” their worst nightmare? Not sure, but, I am slowly moving in that direction.
At times, I get this weird feeling like I just realized that Jana died. Then, for an instant, I want to scream. I imagine that I would scream like in the old 1950’s movies when the woman sees Dracula or a giant mutant spider. She puts her hands to her face and just screams! Maybe that would be satisfying…I don’t know. Probably just scare the cats.
Jana’s death was a horror. Looking back, I can’t understand how I was able to function normally. Such a dulling of the mind, insulating of the senses, and protecting of emotions took over the brain and helped me to move through life. Basically…grief. God’s mental provision for us in such times of hardship. Our bodies naturally protect and provide for our psychological future.
Last night I looked at Jana’s picture on the front of the funeral handout that we have on the refrigerator. We are in the kitchen everyday, moving about doing our daily routines, and there hangs a reminder of the worst days of my life. But, I don’t want to take it down, because it’s a reminder of the best days of my life, too.
The picture I used for the handout was from a walk Jana and I took to Watkin’s Mill. We went to look at the historical mill and take pictures. She stood next to the trees, with old structures in the background, and I took the photo. Such a beautiful day, beautiful moments…beautiful woman.
This face, this captured frame of time, now quietly overlooks our daily life from the vantage point of the kitchen. And, somehow, I am beginning to find acceptance of this new organization of life. How I wish I could go back. Enjoy one more afternoon of warm sun, rustling trees, and walk along the trees enjoying nature, our photo-taking, and love for each other.
Along with the photo is a pair of dates. The first date is what made it all possible, the second is what broke my heart. But, God, I thank you for all the years, days, and hours in between those dates. My life has been forever changed for the better.