Let’s try to divide some thoughts. There is one that I can no longer have…Jana. This is thought “A.” Thought “B” regards the fact that there are things in life that are still possible. Things like companionship, closeness, warmth of another, and love.
The basis of the two thoughts are: what is no longer possible and what is still an option in life? Here is the trouble, it is so easy for me to conflate the two. For the grieving, there are so many illogical thoughts that take up residence in the mind. So, I have told myself that happiness in relationship is not something I will enjoy again.
Couple of results with this negative thinking, one is that I vacillate back to hope in the future God has for me and discard the poor self-talk. The other truth with this thinking is that I’m not even trying to find this sort of relationship! It would be like complaining that I never find Easter eggs, but I’m not outside with a basket.
That’s ok. I’m not in any hurry. But, patience is a big deal. Sometimes I can stand on the virtue solidly. Other times, I can miss the closeness of Jana, mingled with a longing for another, while feeling guilty about the entire mess in my mind.
She will come along. Maybe, there are a few “shes” that need to be met and times to be enjoyed before the “she.” I look forward to actually dating. I have gone out a couple of times, and enjoyed the experience. So, I know that I will have fun when the time comes.
I still find myself quiet and reserved in a group, especially new groups. I have been attending a Christian Singles group and quietly sit, interacting rarely. That’s not really the way I usually do things, but I’m working through my new self. Learning these new social rules for myself.
An interesting note, I have not told the group that I am a widower. Should I? Is that something to say upon first meeting? Do I wait until they know me, before they start to feel sorry for me? Weird thoughts. But, I am in a different compartment. People don’t always know what to do with me… “Is he fragile?” “Should I tell him that I’m sorry?” “Does he want to talk about it?”
Back to my original thought, dividing the thinking. It is a very difficult thing to have loved, cared for, touched, and bonded with a person and then, after they are gone, to think about those same concepts with another human. That takes a long time to work through. Some may never be able to.
That type of closeness is scary to me. It comes with so much now. I not only open my heart to someone, but I will share intimate details of another relationship, too. It’s also a risk. Will I lose another? That is a very real fear, one that I must work through and trust God in. As a matter of fact, all these things are worthy of placing in His hands.