Screenshot of my Photos App. Jana waiting for my cue.

Wow…I see how she looks at me. After reviewing some videos that were taken of us, I watched her closely…watched the way she looked at me. She studied my face, enjoyed our conversation, and responded with joy to our interaction. I see now what, in some ways, I did not see before…

I could be a better husband now. Oh, why could I not have known then what I know now! I would have paid more attention, I would have listened closer to her thoughts. I would give all I have to know what she would have to say now. I have no regrets, but I’ll always have much to learn.

The videos are tough. I have not taken the time to watch them. To see her moving, talking, laughing…that laugh! I love it, but it hurts so badly now. It is such a mixed emotion, I smile through my tears.

On the screen we sit talking to each other. I look at her, in this medium, and don’t even recognize the relationship anymore. I don’t live within that situation, it’s not my life. That’s somebody else…somebody from long ago. I am amazed that another human being would speak to me that way, with such interest and love.

I recognize, all over again, just how much I have lost. This girl, this wife, this mother, this adult, this lover, this…woman. She was all I ever wanted, at least here on earth. I was in need of nothing more. Now, I am lonely, alone, and wandering. Trying to find my legs, trying to stand up, itching to be complete again…

We were well on our way to growing old together. We could have done it, too. We would have easily lived out the next 30-40 years together, whenever down the line that would have ended, whatever age “old” is. It’s certainly not 46, that’s not old.

The videos are a keepsake. A reminder of how she talked, acted, and what she sounded like. They are bittersweet. It’s about all I have.

I’ve been looking so long at these pictures of you
That I almost believe that they’re real
I’ve been living so long with my pictures of you
That I almost believe that the pictures
Are all I can feel

“Pictures of You”, The Cure

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s