A Different Mess

I know what I want. I know the wonderful qualities that exist between two people who love each other. I know how to love, how to give, and how to hold another close. I know that God can lead me to that particular person… But, I have no idea how to get there.

Dating is the avenue. At times it sounds like fun, at other times I consider my lack of knowledge on the subject and I feel woefully unprepared. I am simply inexperienced.

There are emotional factors, too. The sense of being “ready” has been conquered, but the many layers after that initial determination have yet to be discovered. Many of these emotions bubble to the surface and, before I realize it, shape my behaviors. My fears, desires, hopes, and even sadness play a part in how I think about and engage in dating.

As much as I fumble with the unwritten steps of courting I know that God has a plan. For all my failures, He has an answer. I can trust in His leadership. What comfort in knowing that He is for me!

Grief hangs around… Moments of pain in a memory or something of Jana’s stumbled upon in the house bring up the reminder that I am without. Chatting with a friendly, Godly woman helps me to organize my thoughts and continue my grief work.

Many who grieve may, in their mind’s eye, illustrate how they view another love relationship. Some will find no room in their heart for any other person. Others may make an attempt at loving two simultaneously. It is true, love for a late spouse will not go away, but it does change. The object of the affection is no longer available.

I see Jana as my love, my memory, and a special area in my heart. This space is set apart from the active workings of life. I must love her differently now. It is not even her that I actively love here on earth, she has gone home. I love who I knew and the effects of her life upon my life, and others…

This organization allows for…another. I can, one day, give completely to another woman. Love her one hundred percent. Getting to this place will take more work in my heart and within the courting relationship, in general. Time… Time has moved so incredibly slow that I almost want things to speed up now! But, I must not give in to that feeling.

So, here is where I sit. A real mess. I am inexperienced in dating, discovering new difficult emotional layers, and incredibly impatient. Not a good combination! But, God is good. He will continue to see me through, as He has walked with me every step thus far. This life is enjoyable and filled with blessing. Even in the tough circumstances we know that eternity with Jesus has already begun!

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