Serving and Support in Smoke

I’m cooking for our annual Fall Festival for church. I have smoked meats several years for this particular outing, and it’s always a joy. Making meals and especially making things Jana enjoyed was one of my favorite things to do. She was always appreciative and very enthusiastic to partake in the finished product. I knew…

Even if…You Don’t

Will there ever be fun times again? Quite often, the answer seems to be a solid “no.” Of course, things will change, but that’s not always easy to remember or think about when life seems so dull and bleak. I am trying to inch my way back to even giving routine things, like housework, my…

Feeling Medium

Beautiful fall day. Fun activities are planned over the course of the next days and weeks. Holidays are coming and family gatherings are on the calendar. And I am numb… I feel like “Debbie Downer” most of the time, if not all of the time. I imagine people that interact with me are sad to…

The Night, Hour by Hour

Today marks seven weeks since Jana died. Somehow, I am making it through life. Often, I have the feeling, “who cares about any of this?” But, of course, it’s just a feeling and I move on. I have many feelings, and for those who have suffered intense grief, you can relate. They are surprising feelings…

A Short Dream

Many people experience dreams of their loved ones after their death. I have not dreamed a whole lot about Jana, not at night anyway. Last night, though, I did have a short dream of her. We were somewhere that we typically were, just talking. There was nothing significant about our conversation or location. But, as…

Walmart

You may or may not like Walmart, but Jana and I enjoyed it. There is a strange warmth and familiarity in going to Walmart, now. The familiarity was always there, but even in different cities and different stores, the memories come flooding back. I can remember so many occasions over the course of our time…

Lonely Feeling

I found myself just driving around Des Moines. I have enjoyed my trip, which I took by myself, and believe Des Moines to be a nice place. It’s Sunday night, most things are closed or closing, and I pulled into a Hy-Vee parking lot that was mostly empty. Everybody has already done their shopping, and…

Life and Big Things, Like Dominoes

Last night, I played dominoes. I sat at a table with 4 others, re-learned the rules (because it’s always so long between times that I play), picked my 8 tiles, and made trains. So simple. Fun. I laughed…with reservation. I got into the game…sort of. I enjoyed the other players…as much as I could. But…I…

Reaching Forward

“Now we are relearning and reshaping our daily lives. We don’t get back to normal, we create a new normal. We find our way to a purposeful, meaningful, and hopeful life again. We make choices for the present and the future to avoid becoming prisoners of the past. Yes, it’s painful…and may take longer than…

Learning from Psalm 71

God, you have taught me from my youth, and I still proclaim your wondrous works. Psalm 71:17 I could not count the lessons He has taught me in the last 22 years. God was working on me for a long time prior to that, too! He had patience with me, bearing with my mistakes and…