Thoughts on Thanks

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his faithful love endures forever. 1 Chronicles 16:34 Thankfulness is tricky. Give thanks in all things. How do I apply this, and do it authentically? I think it is important to differentiate between being “thankful” for the results of a fallen world, i.e. death of Jana,…

My Smudge of a Life

At times my life feels like a blur. It’s as if I parachuted into this spot and I am looking around at things I don’t understand. My years are like a dream and I can’t focus on any one particular time of life, or follow the chain of events that got me to where I…

Struggle with a Memory

At times the vision of my sweet wife in death won’t leave my mind. I will think of her last breaths, and that is the memory that comes to mind. Yes, it was shocking. We don’t see our loved ones so still. Yes, in a weird way, I am glad that I was there, and…

And, Mizz Scarlett…I don’t care either.

How about anger? Anger hangs just under the surface. It is ready to leap out and bite, but for the most part, I don’t have the energy to really act on it. Occasionally, if I am letting my words fly you’ll hear my misplaced frustration. I’ll attack unwary, unknowing individuals for no reason…even behind their…

God is Not Far From Any of Us

Keeping my mind occupied with activities almost helps dull my pain. As I meet new people or go to places that I haven’t been before I engage my mind with the different stimulus. Although, as unique as these experiences are to me I am constantly thinking of Jana. I wonder what Jana would think about…

Does God Even Care?

Ultimately, somebody must be responsible for the things that happen on this planet. And, if not responsible, capable of laying out the course desired for all things. So, it’s not unnatural to look to God for answers. At times I am simply looking at Him as if I have been betrayed by a good friend….

The Remarkable Warmth of Routine

Got up this morning and got ready for church. The usual banter accompanied our preparations; “Does this look ok?”, “15 minutes till we go”, “Do we have everything?” Arrived at church and took my usual seat next to the guy in class that always gives me a hard time, in a good way. Moved to…

Significance

It’s 2am and a thunderstorm waters the trees and grass all around our house. The cycle of life and death continues, as it has for thousands of years. In 1971, I was born, she was born in 1972. We grew up, far from one another, experiencing the same things our entire cohort did. We enjoyed…

New Is Not A Bad Word

A couple of days ago, I had to get up early to shuttle Allyson to her practice at 6am. I got up, just like normal, put on the outfit (shorts and a t-shirt) that I laid out the night before, grabbed my keys, and started my coffee… Then it hit me. I had not thought,…

Do You Believe This?

How can I exist? How can I continue? I cannot have the past, and I cannot see the future…at least not right now. My day-to-day is sustained by prayers, words of encouragement, keeping myself from a state of panic… Pain, pain all day long. Always on the cusp of tears. With a few words or…