First Thoughts – From 8/12/19

The following is journaling that I did 5 days after Jana died. I want to add these journal writings to my blog, they are hard for me to read…but, it’s good to revisit. I can see the despair in my thinking. Thanks be to God for bringing me along and not leaving me there. Reminders…

Pages, Chapters, and Sections

Life seems to have chapters. Childhood, teenage years, young adulthood, early marriage, and raising young children may be a few of the titles. Maybe there are sections to the book, too. Like “single years” and “married years.” I am beginning to see my life as having a section of Jana years. It hurts so bad…

Source of Joy

What is the true source of my joy? When the person who is most dear to me dies, the source of my joy may be revealed. Was my life and happiness bound in my relationship with my wife? Much of my happiness, in this world, certainly was. Our faithful relationship brought much joy, this is…

Dreaming of You

In 1998, Jana and I went to Cancun for our honeymoon. We stayed in a nice hotel on the beach and enjoyed visiting Mayan ruins, swimming, and the food. One night the movie “Selena” was on cable and we watched that together. From then on I always associated the music or the movie, itself, with…

A Cord of Three Strands

Friends. Good friends. Godly friends. When I speak of not “going alone”, the people around you are part of God’s plan for community and burden-sharing. He created us to be together, knit our lives into one tapestry of life and ministry, and to comfort and love each other – as He has loved us! Have…

Waves of Pain

What makes Sundays so tough? Actually, the grief doesn’t seem to discriminate too much. Everyday can be tough. The struggle comes in waves. For a day or two, I will just feel numb, depressed, and lack energy. Then, for no apparent reason, everything will escalate. I will cry often, my heart hurts, and memories will…

Serving and Support in Smoke

I’m cooking for our annual Fall Festival for church. I have smoked meats several years for this particular outing, and it’s always a joy. Making meals and especially making things Jana enjoyed was one of my favorite things to do. She was always appreciative and very enthusiastic to partake in the finished product. I knew…

Even if…You Don’t

Will there ever be fun times again? Quite often, the answer seems to be a solid “no.” Of course, things will change, but that’s not always easy to remember or think about when life seems so dull and bleak. I am trying to inch my way back to even giving routine things, like housework, my…

Feeling Medium

Beautiful fall day. Fun activities are planned over the course of the next days and weeks. Holidays are coming and family gatherings are on the calendar. And I am numb… I feel like “Debbie Downer” most of the time, if not all of the time. I imagine people that interact with me are sad to…

The Night, Hour by Hour

Today marks seven weeks since Jana died. Somehow, I am making it through life. Often, I have the feeling, “who cares about any of this?” But, of course, it’s just a feeling and I move on. I have many feelings, and for those who have suffered intense grief, you can relate. They are surprising feelings…