Tricky Conversations

Lately, I have been having ongoing arguments with an individual that I will not name. It’s frustrating and, at most times, unfair. I heard that this type of negativity would pop up from time to time. It seems that no matter how I want to move forward in life, this person is not satisfied with…

Fish Out of Water

These days, I am thinking about getting out and meeting others, especially those in the widow/widower community. This comes with a lot of trouble… In the first place, I am wrestling with the idea. I have written about this, the problem crops up in guilt. I need to move past that feeling and not allow…

Permission to be Happy

Several months ago, near to the time that Jana died, my pastor imparted a bit of wisdom. He told me to allow myself to feel happy. I could understand what he said, but, lately, I am wrestling with the concept. Early on, I had no desire or capacity for feeling happy. Nothing reached past my…

“I Like Me”

Today I miss warming up next to Jana. Snuggling under a blanket, watching a movie, or visiting. It’s freezing cold outside and my heart feels like it’s matching the weather in temperature. My love is not here. I’m trying… I’m trying to make friends – and I have met some great people. I’m trying to…

Being Social

Had a few friends over yesterday to watch the Kansas City Chiefs football game. This was a step, an experiment, and, as it turned out, a real joy. In many social situations I have often been anxious in the group setting. Sometimes I feel that way in church, too. I have tried not to avoid…

What Happened?

Time incessantly keeps marching. “Time heals all.” I am coming to believe that time, itself, doesn’t heal…it simply dulls. My memories of Jana are not exactly clear…and they feel more distant everyday. What happened to my wife? Tonight, I looked back at a series of selfies that Jana took while in the hospital and just…

Questions

If I knew that five days after this picture was taken, you would not be with me anymore…would I have done anything different? If we knew that we had less than a week together, would our affection for each other have changed? Would our confidence in God’s grace have wavered if we knew your days…

Riding Upward Again

A little breakdown, a short time to vent…then back on the trail. The emotions rise and fall like a Ferris wheel, up – then down, up – then down. And, sometimes the wheel stops at a point, either high or low or somewhere more even…then, eventually, the carney with the hairy arms, bushy eyebrows, and…

Different, But The Same

I deboned the turkey meat for Jana yesterday. She always did that particular task after our Thanksgiving meals. She loved fixing and cooking the dishes for the holiday, and her presence was missed yesterday. Allyson picked up on the cranberries, and Sarah covered a potato dish and dessert. We made it. My family came to…

Best Friend ‘Stuff’

Jana and I loved to go shopping. Not really buy anything, just walk, talk, look around, and enjoy being together. Whether it was just her and I, on a date night-type excursion, or with the kids, we always had a good time getting out. IKEA, Nebraska Furniture Mart, Target, and, of course, a Walmart stop…