Sleeping and Influence

It’s 4am-ish, and I’m up thinking… One of those times when all the thoughts seem to converge and keep me up. I’m thinking about my business, money, bills, and…Jana. I miss her presence. Lying next to me, especially on nights like this, when I can’t sleep. I would look at her for just a few…

I Don’t Wanna

Had a great weekend visiting family, my sister and brother-in-law’s church, and Silver Dollar City with the kids. I’m making memories. Although the new memories are sweet, they are all clouded with the fact that someone is missing… I feel that it is important to go. Beneficial to do things, get out, and continue to…

The Grave

Then we who are still alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord. Therefore encourage one another with these words. 1 Thessalonians 4:17-18 Across the dirt mound were three containers holding the remnants…

The Memory Room

A day off. A day to do some things that I want to do. The smoker is puffing away at 250 degrees with our dinner brisket, a friend is coming for lunch, and I have a deer stand to place in the afternoon. I am praying for a productive, enjoyable day! I haven’t taken too…

Look Out Bambi

I’m getting busy. My hobbies and interests are re-awakening in my mind. You know, there are things I like to do. I got my archery deer tags today. The season started Sept 15th, and I haven’t actually gone out, but I have my tags! I picked out a spot behind the house, in the woods….

Cup for Your Coffee?

In the mornings I would pick out one of Jana’s coffee cups to serve her coffee in. One time she let me know she wanted a different mug than I had picked out and I feigned offense. After that she let me pick ANY cup I wanted to give her to avoid “hurting my feelings!”…

Happy Moment?…It’s Ok

She would be happy that I felt happy. She would want the kids and I to enjoy our time together and laugh like we used to do. It would be important to her that we continue to cut up around the dinner table, watch our tv shows, and share our lives. If I could have…

A Lost Day

I don’t have it today. I’m skipping across the bottom in slow motion. I can’t reach a point of catharsis and I can’t experience any freedom from the depressed state. It could be due to being sick. I woke up with stomach pains and a fever. I haven’t been able to do anything today… Fever…

They’re Coming… the HOLIDAYS!

Each day there are a host of activities and events that remind me of Jana’s absence. Daily routines call her name for participation, but she doesn’t hear. The simple things are difficult. She’s not here to do her part. Some of the bigger events are almost unbearable without her input. She’s not there to suggest…

Two Months – And Counting…

Two months. Two months without my best friend. Two months of trying to figure out life, death, and God. Allyson and I were at a restaurant finishing lunch when she showed me a short video of Jana. I watched this snippet, catching the familiar movements and behavior of my wife…and I cried. Immediately Allyson felt…